


No One Beside Me, I'm Never Alone

by ilostmyshoe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hallucinations, Season/Series 07, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 03:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyshoe/pseuds/ilostmyshoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During Season 7 Dean sends Sam on a solo drive across the country, and Sam's hallucinations start getting creative.</p><p>“'Sam. You know this is a bad idea. You need to stop before you do something you regret.'</p><p>Sam gripped the wheel tighter and ground his teeth. It felt like he’d been ignoring the screaming for hours; ignoring a voice from the passenger seat was just asking too much."</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Beside Me, I'm Never Alone

“Sam. You know this is a bad idea. You need to stop before you do something you regret.”

Sam gripped the wheel tighter and ground his teeth. It felt like he’d been ignoring the screaming for hours; ignoring a voice from the passenger seat was just asking too much.

“Fuck off, Lucifer.”

“Awww, Sammy. I’m hurt. Are you saying all of us baddies look the same? Or do you just confuse the ones who’ve been inside of you?”

“Meg!?!” Sam gaped at the petite blonde before forcing his eyes back onto the road. “You’re not real. That vessel died years ago. You’re just an illusion created by Lucifer.”

“Hey! Careful with all those conclusions you’re jumping to, Winchester. Maybe Lucifer’s an illusion created by me, huh? I mean, he’ _s_ still safely locked up in the cage, but you’re gonna treat me as imaginary and him as real? That’s incredibly chauvinistic of you, Sam. I’m hurt.” She pouted, then smirked.

“Or maybe it’s a masochistic thing. You think I’m not cruel enough for you, baby? If you give me half a chance, I bet I can hurt you just as good as Luci ever did.”

 “I don’t . . . I’m not . . . No. Fuck it. I don’t have to listen to this.” He pressed the scar on his palm hard against the steering wheel, but it had finally healed, and he couldn’t get the necessary, grounding stab of pain.

Meg laughed as Sam reached down and pulled a knife from his boot. “Guess it is a masochism thing after all. Kinky.”

He refused to reply, only letting out a soft hiss as he dragged the blade along his inner arm. She was still grinning as she flickered out of existence.

Sam let out a sigh of relief and slumped back in his seat. He was alone, and the screaming from the trunk seemed to have stopped as well, at least for the time being. A road sign informed him that he was 300 miles from Omaha. He just might make it in one piece after all. He knew Dean had serious doubts about letting him make the drive on his own, and he desperately wanted to be worthy of his brother’s trust, to see the minute signs of relief on Dean’s face when Sam arrived at the right place, at the right time, with everything (everyone) that he was supposed to bring and no obvious signs of wear and tear.

After spending a few minutes just enjoying the silence, Sam reached for the radio, only to feel a soft hand cover his own.

“Hey, Sam.”

“Madison?” He whispered, then jerked his hand away, gritting his teeth and refusing to look at her.

“You won’t even look at me, Sam? That’s okay. I get it. I guess I’m kind of an emotional mixed bag, huh? Which begs the question of what your subconscious is playing at. Do I represent romance? The monster within? Struggling against impossible odds? Making the hard choice to do what needs to be done? Am I here for comfort or guilt, condemnation or redemption? What do you think?”

“I think you were an incredibly strong, smart, independent person with your own life and your own purpose, and whatever’s using the memory of you to mess with me is sick and disgusting and needs to stop right the fuck now.”

“Sam, you do understand that it’s your own mind doing this, right?”

“Your point being?”

“My point being that the pitying self-hatred is bullshit and needs to stop.” Sam recognized the new voice immediately even before he saw the long blond hair move in his peripheral vision when she flicked it back over her shoulder.

“Ruby. Of course. Guess I must really hate myself a lot.”

“Oh. Stop. You’ll make me blush.” She leaned back and put her feet up on the dashboard. “But seriously, Sam, what the hell? After everything you did, everything you’re capable of, you’ve been demoted to Dean’s package boy? That chick in the back, do you even know why she’s in there? Is she a demon, shifter, Leviathan, or what? Why are you driving her across the country instead of making a clean kill? Did Dean even tell you?”

“Of course he did!”

“So? I’m all ears. What’s the deal?”

“I don’t–I’m not sure, okay? Dean explained it all, I know he did, but I couldn’t focus because I hadn’t slept in days and Lucifer wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I know we’re meeting up in Omaha, I know there’s a reason, and I trust Dean to know what to do when I get there. That’ll just have to be good enough.”

“Oh, Sam, of course it’s good enough.” The voice had changed again.

“No. No no no no. Not you. Not now. Not again.” Sam shook his head in denial and let out a muffled sob. He pulled over to the side of the road, buried his face in his hands, and shook.

Jess scooted over on the seat and put her arm around his back, resting her cheek against his shoulder. “Hey. Shhh. I know. I know it’s hard. I know everything sucks right now, but it’s gonna be okay. You’ve got Dean, and you can trust him to tell you the right thing to do. You can get through this Sam. I know you can. Shhh. It’s gonna be okay, Sam. It’s gonna be okay.”

He shook his head, then leaned it against hers. “I miss you Jess. It’s been so long and I’ve done so much and I still miss you so much it hurts. And I know you aren’t really here, which just makes it all worse. Last time I saw you it was Lucifer trying to get me to say yes. And now you’re one more sign that my mind is coming apart, and I just wish so badly that you were really here.”

He turned and clung to her, burying his face in her golden curls. She just held him and stroked his back, murmuring, “Shhh, Sam. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Gradually his breathing slowed, his grip relaxed, and her hand stilled. He closed his eyes and shook his head in denial when he felt her body transform in his arms, and kept them closed as she gently pulled away and raised her hand to stroke his face.

“Come on, Sam. Open your eyes. I know I’m not who you really want to see, but I’m not that bad, am I?”

Sam sighed and reluctantly opened his eyes to see Ruby’s brown eyes looking at him sadly. “There you go. That wasn’t so bad, right?”

Sam looked away, “What do you want, Ruby?”

“What I’ve always wanted, to help you. I know you want to trust Dean. It makes sense, especially when you feel like you can’t trust yourself. But blind obedience was never your style, even when you were a little kid. Are you really going to start now?” Sam glared at her and didn’t say anything.

“Just, come with me to look in the trunk, okay? If you don’t get any bad vibes, I’ll shut up and leave you alone. I promise. I just want to know that you’ve really thought about this, that you’re doing everything you can to make the right choice.”

She kept eye contact with him as long as possible while she slowly got out and walked around to the trunk of the car. For a minute Sam considered just driving off and leaving her on the side of the road, but then shook his head at his own stupidity. She wasn’t real. If he left she’d just reappear in the passenger seat, or possibly be replaced by someone worse. Reluctantly he popped the trunk and joined her behind the car.

“Here goes nothing,” she said and together they pushed up the lid of the trunk.

Sam stared, shook his head, and then stared again. The body in the trunk was painfully familiar.

“Hi, Sam. Remember me?”

He backed away in horror as she climbed smoothly out of the trunk.

“Awww. I’m hurt. I know you kill a lot of demon hosts, but a girl likes to feel special, you know? Let’s see if this rings any bells: innocent woman, worked as a nurse, possessed by a demon, tortured by you, and then drained of blood so that you could break the final seal and start the apocalypse. Starting to sound familiar? My name is—well, was . . .”

“Cindy McKellan,” Sam interrupts. “I remember you—her. I’ll never forget. But what the fuck are you doing in the trunk? Where’s the girl that Dean put in there? The one I’m supposed to be taking to Omaha. Did you kill her? Set her free? What the hell is going on?”

“Oh, honey.” She gave him a pitying look. “Those are some very reasonable questions. Here are a couple more: What if Dean’s not there to meet you in Omaha? What if Dean never told you to do any of this in the first place? What if that was all just part of your hallucinations? Does that mean you just kidnapped an innocent girl? She stopped screaming a while back. Do you think she’s dead now? Or maybe she never existed in the first place. How would you ever know?”

Sam shook his head in desperate denial. “No. No, I know what’s real. I know you aren’t, and I know better than to listen to this bullshit.” He pressed down hard on the cut in his arm, pulling at the edge to make the blood flow again. As Cindy flickered and disappeared, blinding pain shot through his head. He staggered and fell to his knees, then crawled to lean his back against the car, trying to control his body’s shaking.

He sat there for a long time, finally alone, trying to convince himself that he needed to call Dean and wishing that he wasn’t too scared to look in the trunk.


End file.
